So I haven’t written on here for a very, very, very long time… sorry about that… I didn’t really allow myself any space to think - always a bad idea! As a result, my head is now bursting at the seams with creative potential… which in theory is great, in practice could be quite scary.
There’s been a few things that have come up in the last few weeks. The first is this sudden surge of creativity that seemed to have come out of nowhere. Initially it was just in my doodles that I create when I’m making notes - I’ve got a book which has most of its written pages covered in lines, dots, words and pictures. It’s pretty cool, even if I do say so myself. However… the creative bud is starting to bloom, and it’s come out in my writing (believe it or not!) - this isn’t a very good example, but my notebook which I carry around me now to jot things in (I’m not very good at remembering them otherwise) is starting to get a life of its own… very exciting! I’ve scribed some lines of poetry (which I haven’t done for a while, even in lyric form I haven’t written any prose - for want of a better word - for a good year or two), and I’ve delved a little into the world of fiction. The latter is quite apt really, since that’s where the inspiration came from. In many ways, I’m scared of putting this fiction writing out there, ‘cause to be honest… in my head it may not cut the mustard, and I’d hate to get ahead of myself, however, sometimes I just can’t seem to help myself…
I was reading a book, I was enjoying it quite spectacularly as I often do with great books, and suddenly got this compulsion to get on with it and write something down. I’d heard the story about one of my favourite authors, and how the story had come to her whilst she was dreaming… (if that was the case with me, there could be some interesting things to be commented on… I can’t exactly say that my dreams are logical or even always follow a line of thought, but I guess the ideas are there in some form in my subconcious). I’d thought about this over the course of a couple of hours and went downstairs ‘cause I’d been hiding in my room all afternoon - I needed a change of scenery and some human interaction. I was just casually chatting to one of my housemates when it suddenly came up, out of my mouth, that I should just get on and write something down - I have all these ideas, dreams, thoughts, everything that buzzes around my head and sometimes makes me a little dizzy, yet despite the fact that it’s the best way for me to come back to reality, I don’t always write it down.
The following day I went to see my friend in Bristol, to hang out with her and to help her out with some balloon displays for a party. I’d walked to the station - for the first time in about 18 months, because I needed the space to think. By the time I’d arrived at the station, my head had already concocted a paragraph. I sat down and wrote it down, the train turned up, I boarded, I found a seat with a table and continued to scribe. That hadn’t really ever happened to me before. It was pretty cool. Since that day I haven’t written a lot exactly, but I’ve become more acutely aware of my surroundings, and how so many things shape the course of a life - which in turn gets me considering the lives of my characters. We’ll have to wait and see what the outcome is, it all hangs on a weird sort of thread/balance/tension thing at the moment, but it has some potential.
The second thing is that we’ve been asking God what he wants for us as individuals and as the Lab. We’ve been hearing a lot about getting into step with God and getting swept up in his flow - not doing things in our own strength, but letting him take us further than we’d ever dare to imagine.
And my imagination is epic - it gets me into trouble…
I try not to think too much about it.
However, it’s exciting. We as the Lab, as a community, and even at St Paul’s, we’re surrounded by a wealth of creative potential - and not even always in the usual meaning of the word creative. There’s passion and there’s excitement - a fervour that seems to be awakening within some individuals. It’s excellent, whatever it is… I’m not even sure I know what it is. This is kind of the third thing that’s becoming apparent.
I think there is importance and significance in combining the second and the third ideas. I’m generally reluctant experience or explore that which I don’t know or haven’t seen before either in myself or in those around me. The thing is, I shouldn’t be in the driving seat. I can’t do this in my own strength - I need to trust God; He knows what’s best for me, and what I’d want most in my life… which currently in my head equates to a nice little farm with some animals, growing my own vegetables, getting involved in the local community… yada yada yada. Fix that into where my dreams and my potential could take me and it gets smashed into smitherines… not that my farm necessarily needs to be smashed to smitherines, for all I know, my potential and my farm could well go hand in hand. This is the dilemma I face on a regular basis, and where I frequently have to force myself (not always very successfully) to step back, let go and let God… my goodness do I hate that phrase sometimes! My need to control my dreams and their outcomes could in fact force the hand that’s been given me and turn it into my worst nightmare.
Who knows what the world, our lives, our society, our whatever will throw at us next - life does often seem to be one dodge after another, trying to keep our heads and somehow still stay heading in the right direction at the end of the day. The key seems to be and often is re-iterated to me time and time again is that I need to trust that God won’t put me through challenges I won’t cope with, that God has great plans in store for me, and that he wants me to have fun - not taking myself too seriously, in the words of a good friend and mentor.
Imagine yourself on a beach, the wind is whistling in your hair, the waves are massive and they’re creeping up the shoreline, looking for their moment to pounce and take you by surprise. What do you do? Do you run and look for shelter, or do you let it sweep you up? Do you toy with the tide - rushing into the water and running away from it when a wave comes crashing towards you? Do you find the fun that’s to be found in playing in the water, in letting the inner child within you take control and allow yourself to enjoy the moment?
Don’t take yourself too seriously. Let yourself have fun in the waters of life - you only get one chance, the last thing we want to do is waste it!
