Stephanie Keates

Making the most of the moments

So yet again I’m apologising for having not posted - it seems that time has been escaping me recently, a concept which prompted some thoughts, which in turn prompted me to write this post.

This term has been especially “busy” - so much so it seems to have set a precedent. Most new terms, come September, involve a lot of work if you’re schedule is based on a conventional school system - which inadvertently, through the people I work with, is my schedule. With something on most weekends and a fair few evenings of the week, we rarely find time to sit still for “long enough” to relax.

We place a premium on doing nothing as relaxation, which I feel I may have mentioned previously, as respite from our hectic lives, which in turn seems to set a “quick-fix” mentality in our minds. I know it certainly gets like that for me - I’m fully aware that when I’m facing a busy week, I don’t look at using the gaps in between things to relax, I look for the evening or day off that follows - which this term has been less frequent than I’ve known in this season of work.

Thinking back on it, my inability to see the gaps started when I was back in college. My second year was quite busy, and I didn’t cope with it very well. I was in college for four days of the week, in the bakery for Friday and Saturday, and had church on Sunday - leaving very little time to do the work I was required to do, and when I did have free time, I didn’t necessarily want to do anything but sleep or do nothing. I became numb.

This numbness always seems to appear when I don’t allow myself time to breathe and relax, whether that be in taking the time in the middle of my day to go swimming, or sitting in my room stitching, reading, listening to music, etc, or whether that be sitting in front of the TV on my day off catching up with the episodes of my favourite series’ I’ve missed.

It’s taken a while to work out the cause of the numbness, and I think the reason is this: I don’t allow my brain space, so my brain decides to make space, whether that’s by me forgetting things, sleeping in, or at worst case - the onset of the dreaded numbness.

So a couple of weeks ago, I decided to take control (figuratively speaking). November is usually my busiest month, as I like to get making ready for Christmas. In previous years, this has generally been cards, because for me, it’s fairly simple and requires little thought.

Last year however, I decided to make hanging decorations (oddly enough, at the exact same time that my mother had thought of the very same thing) to sell, and for the profits to go to living water international. So this year, I’m continuing with that vein of creativity and as a result, I’ve taken to drawing around templates and cutting out shapes in my lunch break (much to the surprise/annoyance of my table companions), to stitching when I’ve got a free moment/watching television, to stuffing the decorations when I’ve got enough and a clean spare duvet or some wadding to pull apart.

A friend recently mentioned in passing that they didn’t have enough time between all the things they had to do, to do the things they want to do. I realised as they were speaking that if we want to do something enough, we need to make time for it. Much like my squeezing in as much creativity as possible into my spare moments, we need to make the most of the time we have.

I’ve loved and lost some very key people in my life, and I’m fully aware that one day others I love will pass away, but if their loss has taught me anything it’s to make the most of the time you have as two of these were people who in some opinions died “before their time”.

So how do we make the most of our time? I think it’s an eternal question, and each person will have their own individual answer. For me, it’s making things, reading, writing, allowing time to think in the gaps and understanding which activity suits which gap, but for someone else it could be going for a run, for another sitting with their family and enjoying some quality time.

It’s a question I feel we need to ask ourselves frequently, otherwise life is going to pass us by (something I’m bizarrely over-aware of at such a young age). If we’re too busy to enjoy the time we have, there’s something that may need to change. I’m fortunate in that I have a job which I love, which involves working with some thoroughly excellent people, and have family and friends I can see on a frequent basis, and I’m fully aware that isn’t the case for everybody. If anything, I hope that you can find something you can enjoy in your day to day, week to week, month to month life, to remind you that life is for living, not numbly stumbling through.

So as I sit here writing, I hope to bask in the beauty of the moment - be it a group of moments, or one moment at a time - I want to appreciate the moments I have, and continue to learn how to use them wisely.

May you find peace, joy and love in the moments you have - on the bus, in the queue at the Post Office, in your lunch break; and may you share that with those around you.

So I haven’t written on here for a very, very, very long time… sorry about that… I didn’t really allow myself any space to think - always a bad idea! As a result, my head is now bursting at the seams with creative potential… which in theory is great, in practice could be quite scary.

There’s been a few things that have come up in the last few weeks. The first is this sudden surge of creativity that seemed to have come out of nowhere. Initially it was just in my doodles that I create when I’m making notes - I’ve got a book which has most of its written pages covered in lines, dots, words and pictures. It’s pretty cool, even if I do say so myself. However… the creative bud is starting to bloom, and it’s come out in my writing (believe it or not!) - this isn’t a very good example, but my notebook which I carry around me now to jot things in (I’m not very good at remembering them otherwise) is starting to get a life of its own… very exciting! I’ve scribed some lines of poetry (which I haven’t done for a while, even in lyric form I haven’t written any prose - for want of a better word - for a good year or two), and I’ve delved a little into the world of fiction. The latter is quite apt really, since that’s where the inspiration came from. In many ways, I’m scared of putting this fiction writing out there, ‘cause to be honest… in my head it may not cut the mustard, and I’d hate to get ahead of myself, however, sometimes I just can’t seem to help myself…

I was reading a book, I was enjoying it quite spectacularly as I often do with great books, and suddenly got this compulsion to get on with it and write something down. I’d heard the story about one of my favourite authors, and how the story had come to her whilst she was dreaming… (if that was the case with me, there could be some interesting things to be commented on… I can’t exactly say that my dreams are logical or even always follow a line of thought, but I guess the ideas are there in some form in my subconcious). I’d thought about this over the course of a couple of hours and went downstairs ‘cause I’d been hiding in my room all afternoon - I needed a change of scenery and some human interaction. I was just casually chatting to one of my housemates when it suddenly came up, out of my mouth, that I should just get on and write something down - I have all these ideas, dreams, thoughts, everything that buzzes around my head and sometimes makes me a little dizzy, yet despite the fact that it’s the best way for me to come back to reality, I don’t always write it down.

The following day I went to see my friend in Bristol, to hang out with her and to help her out with some balloon displays for a party. I’d walked to the station - for the first time in about 18 months, because I needed the space to think. By the time I’d arrived at the station, my head had already concocted a paragraph. I sat down and wrote it down, the train turned up, I boarded, I found a seat with a table and continued to scribe. That hadn’t really ever happened to me before. It was pretty cool. Since that day I haven’t written a lot exactly, but I’ve become more acutely aware of my surroundings, and how so many things shape the course of a life - which in turn gets me considering the lives of my characters. We’ll have to wait and see what the outcome is, it all hangs on a weird sort of thread/balance/tension thing at the moment, but it has some potential.

The second thing is that we’ve been asking God what he wants for us as individuals and as the Lab. We’ve been hearing a lot about getting into step with God and getting swept up in his flow - not doing things in our own strength, but letting him take us further than we’d ever dare to imagine.

And my imagination is epic - it gets me into trouble…

I try not to think too much about it.

However, it’s exciting. We as the Lab, as a community, and even at St Paul’s, we’re surrounded by a wealth of creative potential - and not even always in the usual meaning of the word creative. There’s passion and there’s excitement - a fervour that seems to be awakening within some individuals. It’s excellent, whatever it is… I’m not even sure I know what it is. This is kind of the third thing that’s becoming apparent.

I think there is importance and significance in combining the second and the third ideas. I’m generally reluctant experience or explore that which I don’t know or haven’t seen before either in myself or in those around me. The thing is, I shouldn’t be in the driving seat. I can’t do this in my own strength - I need to trust God; He knows what’s best for me, and what I’d want most in my life… which currently in my head equates to a nice little farm with some animals, growing my own vegetables, getting involved in the local community… yada yada yada. Fix that into where my dreams and my potential could take me and it gets smashed into smitherines… not that my farm necessarily needs to be smashed to smitherines, for all I know, my potential and my farm could well go hand in hand. This is the dilemma I face on a regular basis, and where I frequently have to force myself (not always very successfully) to step back, let go and let God… my goodness do I hate that phrase sometimes! My need to control my dreams and their outcomes could in fact force the hand that’s been given me and turn it into my worst nightmare.

Who knows what the world, our lives, our society, our whatever will throw at us next - life does often seem to be one dodge after another, trying to keep our heads and somehow still stay heading in the right direction at the end of the day. The key seems to be and often is re-iterated to me time and time again is that I need to trust that God won’t put me through challenges I won’t cope with, that God has great plans in store for me, and that he wants me to have fun - not taking myself too seriously, in the words of a good friend and mentor.

Imagine yourself on a beach, the wind is whistling in your hair, the waves are massive and they’re creeping up the shoreline, looking for their moment to pounce and take you by surprise. What do you do? Do you run and look for shelter, or do you let it sweep you up? Do you toy with the tide - rushing into the water and running away from it when a wave comes crashing towards you? Do you find the fun that’s to be found in playing in the water, in letting the inner child within you take control and allow yourself to enjoy the moment?

Don’t take yourself too seriously. Let yourself have fun in the waters of life - you only get one chance, the last thing we want to do is waste it!

It’s just not fair!

Equality has come up a lot in the last month, though “challenged” would probably be a more appropriate word. In some ways I’ve always been aware of the fact that I am incredibly blessed to be in the position I’m in now, in the era I’m in now, the country, the culture, etc, etc, etc. As I may have said before, this summer’s become a bit of a re-awakening to what I used to be heading towards, and minus a small diversion en route, I seem to be heading back in that direction.

Whilst I was on a “retreat” type of weekend away, I took myself up to North Wales and went walking. I finished reading “The Irrisistible Revolution” by Shane Claibourne whilst I was there, and had already been thinking about what “the church” is, what it “should” be… (big fan of ” marks today apparently) and the idea of worship - it’s been a theme through recent musings, and I would imagine will continue to be, being made to worship and all - though that’s for another blurb :-)

In my own odd little way, I’d been getting mildly irritated by “fat christians” - the sort that load up on big meetings, CDs, talks, hype, etc, and wanted to know that there was more to Christianity than that. Although there is some good in it, I feel like the point had been missed slightly.

On Sunday nights recently, we’ve been talking about the etymology of the word “worship” and the two Greek words that are used in the New Testament which in translation we’ve replaced with “worship” - one being “latreia” (service/sacrifice) and the other being “proskuneo” (where we get our word “prostrate” from - an outward expression of love or loyalty/in awe). From my perspective, it seems like we spend so much time flat on our faces that we don’t do much of the service part of worship - we just keep eating it up and getting fat, often forgetting that God’s Kingdom isn’t going to come on earth if we don’t “get busy” as the phrase often says; Jesus is coming after all.

For me, God’s will “being done on earth as it is in Heaven” isn’t just going to magically happen. Choosing to live a life of love that pleases God isn’t the easy life, but it’s certainly rewarding - and I haven’t even fully tapped into it yet, I’m just skimming the surface of what I could do to further God’s kingdom (I really don’t like the phraseology there, but it fits well enough) :-)

Thankfully I found that there is a point to church, and more specifically worship, but (surprise surprise) it often costs a more than we’re generally willing to give. I remembered what David said when he built an altar on the threshing floor that belonged to Araunah the Jebusite (2 Samuel 24:18-25) and said that he will not give to the Lord that which cost him nothing.

My heart broke so many times whilst reading “The Irrisistible Revolution”; it showed a picture of the world which I’d seen countless times before, but because I didn’t want to rock the boat and found many excuses (I don’t have anything to give being my favourite), I hadn’t done anything about it. The world and the people in it are hurting because (in my view) we don’t look out for each other - we’re so blinkered in to “my way or the highway” and selfish lifestyles. I find it hard knowing that a stupidly low percentage of the world owns most of the wealth, and a ridiculously high percentage don’t have the means even to “just get by”. That saddened me greatly. I’d heard before that so many diseases in “third world” countries can be cured, and most of them are caused by a lack of clean drinking water, things that we think generally are an - albeit quite gross/disgusting - inconvenience but can be fatal because there isn’t the nutrition/safe water available to them.

Western society does appear to be notoriously greedy - we live in a world of “supersize” meals, excessive amounts of technology (which I’ll admit, I am interested in gadgets, computers, phones, etc…), getting stuff fast, and to some extent quantity over quality as opposed to the other way around - though when it comes to “luxury”, material value/gain over quantity also seems to come into play. Essentially we want everything and we want it yesterday.

It’s come to the time of year where I think about making things, and whilst I was away on “retreat” I found myself looking in the touristy shops, being attracted to things that I could make if I put my mind to it, to see if I could do it too. Before now, I had made cards because I needed a source of income which wouldn’t require time out of college/uni/whatever else I was doing, but could give me some pocket money - which would often come in handy for buying food when there was nothing left in the cupboards. I was walking around the village as I’d spent most of my morning walking down the banks of the rivers Conwy and Llugwy, and around Llyn Elsi (which were all beautiful, but I’d found it was nearing 3.30 - in late October, early November, that’s not the time to start going for another mountain walk in a place I’m not familiar with), and I started thinking that I could make something for a cause this year, as I don’t necessarily need another form of income to survive the winter. I thought about all the material I had sitting in a box at home, which I didn’t want to do anything big with because it’s too scary when you’re not that confident, but could do lots of little things with. On my last full day I went for another wander and thought I could make hanging decorations out of all my fabric - I could embellish them with all the sequins and beads I’ve acquired over the years, and I reinforced the idea that I could sell them for the proceeds to go towards something. The cogs had started whirring.

So on my way home, back to Newport, I was thinking about all of this. I’d finished my book the night before and wept because of how unfair it all was - that children were dying because they had no clean water, that people were being mistreated because we’d set up this individualistic empire were “I” am king, that if it inconvenienced us it’s not worth the effort; comfortable Christianity - where we think that we’ve done our bit by a 30 second prayer on a Sunday once a year for peace on earth and goodwill to men (nearest you’ll get to a Christmas reference from me in November :-P) without actually acting on it.

It may seem a bit cutting, but it cuts at me, and then washes the wounds in salt water for good measure - that extra sting which makes me check my thoughts and my reasonings for and against; the disinfectant which makes sure that I’m not going to get infected, weepy and gross only because I didn’t want it to be sorted out, and that which prompts me to see if I’m getting stuck in that 30 second prayer for world peace (beauty pageant style).

In all of this on my way home, I noticed that I had counted at least eight water treatment plants on my way through Wales - and I started thinking about Atom. He’s the friend of Shane Claibourne who decided he would use his love of chemistry to make a difference by finding ways to provide clean, safe water to those who had no access to it. I may not have such a huge love of chemistry (although I do love it…) but I can make things. I can make things to sell for proceeds to go towards providing clean water to those who don’t have access to it.

What was oddly amusing about this whole thing which I found out on my return to Newport, is that whilst I was away, my Church (St Paul’s) had played the Advent Conspiracy Video (see adventconspiracy.org) which has a focus on spending less money buying stuff that doesn’t matter and spending money on worthwhile projects with a focus on clean water.

I think that says it all really - and this is the first in many things that need right-ing in our world, but at least it’s a start. My heart broke again this evening, and the tantrum started… “it’s not fair!!”

There are people in our world dying because they don’t have clean water or food.

There are people who are hurting because we’ve been to selfish to notice them.

There are children without parents and parents without children.

There are those with excess, and those with not enough.

There’s more than enough to go around; we complain about the little we have, but in actuality that’s a lot more than some have. We have a stable roof over our heads instead of a tin shack; we have food in our fridges, clean water in our taps, electricity and gas available when we want it; we have TV, internet, access to the world, but we can’t touch it. Like Shane Claibourne insinuated in his book - we’re often poorer in spirit because we lack face-to-face community and those who we see as being unpriveledged at least get to be rich in their relationships with their friends, family, and neighbours.

I’ll get off my soap-box now… but be warned, it may well appear again! :-P

“Everyone needs compassion, a love that’s never failing, let mercy fall on me,

Every needs forgiveness, the kindness of a Saviour, the hope of nations.”

… I dare you to think about what you could do… :-)

the invitation…

I’ve just finished reading “The Shack”, and from the outset my first impression is that it is completely stunning, and beautiful in its execution. I would love to know what motivated William Paul Young in his writing - where the idea came from, what he percieved, and how it all came together so seamlessly - there is such a depth in the book that just makes ridiculous amounts of sense to me.

There has been a fair amount of controversy surrounding the book, and I guess how somebody receives it depends entirely on what they perceive its motive to be… back to that old chestnut :-) Jolly good!

From what I can gather, a lot of the speculation has come from whether the book fits with what our “ideal” version of God is, with what we see the Bible as being, and our interpretation of those two mixed with the opinions of those around us and how they interpret God and the Bible. The reaction that occurs on reading it would seem depends on how loosely or how tightly people adhere to these things, the reaction being more obvious or extreme depending on the side of the fence one is more inclined to.

The thing with opinion, is that it is incredibly varied… it is as unique as the person that holds it in their heart. My view on it is that there is truth and there is falsehood in all opinions - we are human, and no opinion can be perfect. We are limited by what we have experienced, what we know, and what we expect. As always, this is only my opinion on the matter, which is just as imperfect as the next human’s. The problem being is that in our imperfections, we place judgements on those around us - often unintentionally. One of many, many things which are approached in the book.

I can understand why some reactions can be extreme. Before now I’ve been susceptible to clinging to the things I know… the things I love and cherish… the things which were not intended for me to cling to. Habits, ideas, people, dreams, compulsions… the list goes on. When these things have been removed - which has happened a lot in the last year, particularly in the last two or three months - it’s been hugely confusing, painful, and mind-blowing, however through it I’ve learnt some incredibly important lessons which (I hope) are indelibly engraved in my being. There have been some things that I’ve reacted to and wanted to run away from, there have been others that I have somehow managed to accept through understanding - a grace which surely only God can provide in this instance.

All of this reaction made me want to read “The Shack” all the more, and on noticing that my Dad had a copy, I started reading. It seemed to be perfect timing for me; as I mentioned in the last post, God has been doing a good work. I’ll get to that in good time.

The thing that struck me most was the characters. Others had been shocked at the choosing of the representation of the Trinity, but I would say that the characters were well thought out and made complete sense. I personally have never been able to visualise an image of God, the Holy Spirit, or even the “easiest” of the three to imagine due to his humanity - Jesus. I can’t really explain why, but its just one of those things. My image would change, if there was ever one at all on a day to day basis - I would struggle if someone asked me “what do you think God looks like” or “who do you think God is”… in my mind he’s beyond my boxes. In my life I found it all too easy to compartmentalise and hide things away, so in my funny little way, the only thing God could logically be, was un-boxable; as many have put it “indescribable”. In fact I love the representation which “The Shack” creates - if anything humanly imagined could be perfect, I’d say that these characters are. Though saying that, there is the whole idea that imagination is God inspired, so it’s not wholly unrealistic.

I think that’s one thing that seems to flow through this book for me. Having had no expectations of the book, and coming at it from a vaguely open perspective, it didn’t rattle any boundaries or cause any fractures in my thinking. The imagination which this book was likely born through just seems to fit exactly with where I am now. Had I read this when it first appeared on the scene, I may not have reacted in the way I have now. As I mentioned earlier, I believe God has been doing a good work in me, and it has been remarkable. The hang ups and wounds that have been hindering me are sometimes slowly, but surely, being removed and healed.

The protagonist in the story, goes through a similar transformation to what I’ve been experiencing and walking through in the last couple of months. However the book uses much more tangible and visible ways of showing what has been worked through in his life and mine, in his being over a “shorter” span of time (a really interesting outlook on which was discussed in the book). It’s made the book much more real for me, being able to attach significance to the story and the themes that are woven throughout it. See that as you may, but it’s been a remarkable read as a result. I love the use of colour and imagery in “The Shack”, it caught me and pulled me in hook, line, and sinker - that and the philosophies and ideas that were also woven through the book like a momumental, beautiful tapestry… like those I saw in Blenheim Palace just over a month ago :-)

The description of the relationship between God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit was simply divine (pardon the pun)… We so often love to put up structures and ideas that we try to fit God into, when like I mentioned earlier, he’s completely and utterly beyond them. Young looks at this through the book, this whole obsession of our human need to be independant of God and trying to figure him out as a result, and our expectations being another set of rules which we use to judge others. God wants to bring us freedom, and be in complete unity with him, like he is with Jesus and the Holy Spirit as a Trinity. There is a community there which he designed and created us for… I’ll get to that in a bit. The relationship that is described in “The Shack”, is a beautiful, holy union, in which one is not trying to overcome the other, where there is not one supreme authority between the three, but the three work together in perfect synchronicity. Young sends a message through the book, that this is what God designed for us to have with him: God created humans, gave part of himself to be human, so that God can be relatable to us, but yet still ultimately be divine. However, because of the choice of human to be independent, we think that he has expectations of us, or could fit into our rules of how God should be. Inevitably, expectations are dangerous - when we expect from others, often we will be disappointed because they are not perfect and often fail those expectations - particularly if we set them too high. Simultaneously, we often through our humanity fail to live up to the expectations of others, both instances cause pain and scars for both parties. When we relinquish our expectations, then we will live in freedom… isn’t that stunning?

God designed us to live and love in and through him - in perfect communion (the sharing of intimate thoughts and feelings) with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and with each other. The whole idea of that in its completion and perfection for me is beyond words… it is truly beautiful, truly wonderful… and yet, it is not impossible - I don’t believe we have to wait for “heaven” (whatever that my be) for us to experience it. So often we miss the point, and yes it would be idealistic to imagine that we could be capable of this in my lifetime, but the idea itself - the truest manifestation of love physically possible - isn’t necessarily beyond our grasp. I see it in day-to-day life; I live with a group of people who are exploring the very idea of Godly community and being part of that excites the very depths of my soul; I live surrounded by people who I am equal to in our own unique and wholly individual ways - people who even in their humanity try to build up, encourage, and love, even when it is tremendously difficult; I am part of a world where I can enjoy each person for exactly who they are, and whom it is they are on their way to becoming… it’s amazing to be a part of. I don’t quite know where I’m going with this, but there is the hope for our world available and living in each one of us - if we are willing to accept him.

Another thing which completely described an idea which has been bounding around me for over a year, if not slightly longer which was touched on in “The Shack”, is the definition of church. I’ve come to understand why we feel like we need structure, rules, regulations, traditions, and the like, but at the same time I’ve learned to see that we don’t “need” these things… if God is at the centre, why do we need to adhere to a specific way of doing things. I’d started to reel against the idea of the church as an institution, and seeing it’s human imperfections (though loving the humans that create and are part of this institution) had been thinking about the true meaning of what it is to be church. In the book, the church as it should be was described like this: “It’s all about relationships and simply sharing life. What we are doing right now [discussing, sharing life, and learning to love by God’s perfect example] - just doing this - and being open and available to others around us. My church is all about people and life is all about relationships. You can’t build it. It’s my job and I’m actually pretty good at it.” The second I read that paragraph, I literally sat back in wonder and thought - that’s exactly it! That’s exactly the point, that’s exactly what I’ve been grappling with in this institution driven world. People can be hurt by the institution because by placing expectations on people we get crushed when they can’t live up to them, particularly if they’re involved in the institution of the church - as though that should instantly make them slightly more perfect than the rest of us. Church should be about the people; the Church is Jesus’ bride - the one he loves, and yet we miss the point… I remember being sat in C.U. when I was about 14, and someone saying that C.U. was as much a church as the local Anglican, Evangelical, Holy Trinity, Methodist churches out there - its about the people; as it says in the Creed “the communion of the saints”, a saint being defined as someone who is virtuous (having high moral standards) and holy (dedicated to God) - a love and dedication to God and those around us. I love the whole notion and its implications… it blows my mind :-)

The final thing that I’ll touch on before I round off, is the description of the Holy Spirit, how it works, and how it works as a part of God. Often the Holy Spirit is seen as too mysterious, too far beyond our comprehension, sometimes even seen as dangerous - which in many ways is true. The Spirit, the very breath of God. If I remember rightly, the Greek word for breath or wind is pneuma - where we get words like pneumatic and pneumathorax from. I was struck when I read its definition as being likened to a life-force… literally spiritual life giving power. It was the Holy Spirit part of “The Shack” that truly captured me most. In one chapter of the book, the protagonist and the Holy Spirit work in a garden - an orderly chaos which was described as a fractal: something considered simple and orderly that is actually composed of repeated patterns no matter how organised; infinitely complex. I was talking to my housemate on our way to church this morning about the idea behind fractals, and we had to laugh this evening when fractals came up on the television. It’s all oddly connected… infinitley complex :-) it’s fabulous - I actually love it.

The use of colour and imagery that I mentioned, was most often connected with the Holy Spirit character and the life-force that created and sees creation as it was intended. This character was the most enigmatic of the three - typically, and despite this was painted just as made sense for it to be painted. Ultimately I would whole-heartedly recommend reading the book… I cannot do it justice, and I don’t want to alter your own experience of the book if you intend on reading it yourself, particularly if you haven’t read it already - though saying that, I’ve already said a lot about it :-P

To tie it all in to what I’ve been learning recently, is the emphasis on just “being” with God. When I visited my Nan about a month ago, I was able to remember how to act as myself without literally worrying about what other people would think about me - the beauty of being around people who know you intimately and love you just for being you. In life, it is all to easy for me to act very differently to how I want to, solely because I would be worried about what people would think of me. It was completely refreshing therefore, to be around people who I felt I didn’t need to act a certain way around, or be a shadow of myself around. It was all part of this learning process I’ve been on in the last few months… I’m slowly starting to wash away the stuff that put up to stop people seeing who I am - it’s taking time, but i’m getting there… slowly starting to be comfortable in my own skin around those in my world, being who God created me to be now on the way to who I’m going to become on this journey called life. This whole message of just “being” with God, who knows you inside and out, who calls you by name and loves you despite what we may feel guilty about or worthless because of, etc, etc, etc… it’s so powerful. It’s in and through him that we experience peace, love, grace, and forgiveness; it’s in and through him that we learn how to be those things to those in our world; ultimately it’s in and through him that we can show the true face of God to his people - those he loved so much that he sent a part of himself in our place so that we could be free to receive him. Such a marvellous invitation…

And on this conclusion I will finish. It’s by relationship and relationship alone that we can be healed and forgiven of those things that we fail in, that we hurt because of, that we hurt others as a result of, and so on. Only through relationship with God as a whole, learning and growing in him, and through relationship with those around us, can we truly experience a glimmer of all that God has in store for us as his beloved children. Only God can redeem and restore, but he uses us in the process of healing and restoration. I consider that to be a priveledge, and want to delve deeper into him so I can be all I was created to be, so I can help others discover God’s “original design” (to coin a phrase I’ve heard frequently this year) for their lives - to see those around me reach their true potential would truly be a joy.

Again, I would recommend reading the book… I’ve only scraped the surface of its depth and ideas… I hadn’t even talked about Wisdom - one of the most thought provoking and helpful (as a means of understanding) characters of the book for me. Yet the book only scrapes the surface of the depth of love and of God, despite all its many facets. It’s one I will be getting for myself so I can look through it whenever I feel the time is appropriate. Obviously the book itself is a perception of Holiness and of God, but I’d say it’s a great tool for exploring the magnitude of God.

Maybe the idea of exploring God is too much, but may I put this out there…

What have you got to lose?

stretch… and relax…

It’s apparently been quite a while since I last wrote something on here, so I thought I’d make the most of the now rare occasion that my computer is on :-)

One thing I must say, is that God has been “doing a good work in me” recently (see Philippians 1:6), one which has had a major effect on me and what I want from/to do with my life… pretty exciting, despite it’s potentially scary consequences. It’s all good really… it’ll definitely be interesting to see how life pans out :-)

It seems that I’m breaking some habits of a life time as a result. I do tend to be slightly highly strung - worrying too much about stuff that I don’t really need to worry that much about. Particularly, I’m susceptible to worrying about what people think of me, about how my future’s going to map out - definitely a little too concerned about that one most of the time, and other people to a lesser extent.

It’s quite typical of a shy person to feel conspicuous, and to not like being seen/heard/noticed, but to at the same time desire some sort of attention… obviously, not being a professional psychologist, I could be wrong. What I do know is that I have tendencies towards shyness and worrying about what people will think of me, what I think, and how I act. In the scheme of things, this isn’t that important - to some extent in moderation, but caring about what others think shouldn’t determine how we act, what we say, who we are… it’s been a long journey finally sussing this out… but I’m getting there :-P

On the other hand though, it can’t go to the other extreme. We live in a world where the likelihood that people’s feelings and beliefs get squashed because those around them may have blinkers on is quite high. In my experience, in talking to people, offense is often taken when someone has made a decision without including those who could be affected. Though at the same time, the understanding that it’s not always possible to include everybody’s feelings doesn’t often come into play. At the end of the day, it seems to come down to sensitivity: for those who are affected to not take it to heart so much, and for those who are affecting to be sensitive to those involved.

In an ideal world that would work, but as always, there are variables and underlying issues that often come into play in these things - issues that often haven’t been aired because they’re so close to the heart. In my own experience, my healing has come from letting these things go; they don’t help anybody, particularly yourself and those around you. Going back to a point from a previous post… renewing my mind and getting perspective doesn’t negate what may or may not have happened before, but it helps me to understand and to heal. Knowing what may have been the true driving force, as opposed to the superficial appearance of what was going on, often softens my heart to those who were involved.

So i’m obsessed with perspective… there’s nothing new there… but I’ve found that it helps in the forgiving process. I genuinely believe that forgiveness is a process. It takes time to build trust back up, it takes mercy, and it takes love. I find it interesting that compassion is part of the definition of mercy, a concern for others… selflessness, quieting our own pride in order to put others before ourselves. The long and short of it being humility: a humble view of one’s importance. I don’t think it disregards our own opinion, but logs it alongside that of others.

I think that’s one of the many, many reasons why I love spending time around people. Spending too much time in positions of authority holds potential for it to go to our heads, but on the flip side, if we spend to much time in positions that are low, it’s quite probable that we won’t fulfil our potential. As with most things, it’s about finding a balance. It’s good to spend time with people who stretch us, but I think it’s equally beneficial to relax. In fitness, you warm up, you stretch, you cool down, and you relax… if you forever stretch your muscles, they’re more susceptible to damage.

At the end of the ramble, I think my point is this… that it’s not worth the effort worrying about things you have no control over… like the thoughts of those around you, the future, other people. All we can do is keep breathing… making sure that we don’t get too highly strung and cause/get hurt, but also making sure that we don’t relax so much that we get complacent. Striking the balance and renewing the mind. It’s not as difficult as we might think :-)

Dreaming…

I’ve been remembering the books I used to read as a child… namely “The Little House on the Prairie” books, and Enid Blyton’s stories (for example “The Secret Island”) where people would live off the land, reuse pretty much everything, and generally provide for themselves and the people around them by utilising what was available to them… In our culture it would appear that things are not made to last as they were in previous generations, and everything can easily be replaced. I’ve always been fascinated with the 1940’s and 1950’s, particularly the idea that nothing would be wasted… the idea that you would use something until it wore out, you would repair it, and continue using it… the idea of hand-me-downs… and so on. Recycling has only been a recent invention – created for a culture that doesn’t necessarily realise the impact of a wasteful nature. In the last month or so I have realised how strongly I feel about this matter, and how much I dislike how materialistic I have the potential to be. I love Monsoon and Laura Ashley… I love New Look…  I love beautiful things and like to appreciate them, but at the same time, fashions pass, and as much as I’ve never really been one to follow fashion too closely - generally preferring the more classical, long-standing trends these days, I’m all too aware that we as a generation can become dependent on the next new thing. That idea grates on me. I’d much rather have something that lasts and has a personal value, than have something that costs (maybe more than it’s worth), or doesn’t last, that can easily be replaced and as a result has no real value.

From where I’m sat I can see the red pepper plants that are currently growing in pots on the windowsill. I’ve always loved growing things; even as a child I grew tomatoes in the back garden, making sure I watered them every day before I went to school and as soon as I returned. What fascinates me with planting and general gardening is that you follow simple instructions and go through a period of dormancy, and after a while you see the signs of what has been growing under the surface since the seed was placed in conditions that would allow it to grow, providing it with all it needs to flourish. There’s an element of caring and nurturing to the growing process which always speaks to me… the seed is placed in soil that contains nutrients and water to facilitate it’s growth, is cared for by the person who planted it whilst it is still fragile, and transplanted when it’s roots need room… maybe at some point the plant is placed outside to fend for itself against the elements, eventually becoming strong and bearing fruit. The person who plants it generally understands the needs of the plant, when it needs watering and further nourishment, when it needs to be moved; all the necessary details that the plant can’t do for itself unless it’s planted directly outside - even then, it still needs some sort of care in order to make sure it survives (there’s something about stewardship in there…). Every type of seed is different and each require different conditions to help them grow.

There is an organic simplicity about growing things that I absolutely adore. You plant, you wait, you harvest. I’m not a fan of interfering with the process… there’s a beauty in watching something grow, and I would much prefer to observe than get too involved and hinder the progress.

One of my childhood dreams had almost been forgotten about until recently when I read “Redeeming Love” by Francine Rivers. The book tells the story of Hosea in the Bible, written as though it was taking place during the Gold Rush in California – one of the characters, Michael, has a simple cabin, cultivates food in his garden, and also harvests other foodstuffs that can be found naturally in the area. Michael, along with his family and neighbours, all work together on the land, using all, not just some, but all that is available to them - grow their own food to eat and also to sell on, make their own clothes and other useful things for their cabins, and find ways to enjoy themselves (including music and singing, rope swings, making decorations for their cabins, making gifts for each other, and enjoying the land they live on). The life they had wasn’t necessarily easy, and often required hard work and toil, however the benefits and rewards were always worth the effort. I often feel that the satisfaction and sense of value that comes from earning or working toward something is lost today because most things are so readily available for us to use and misuse. When the value of an object is misplaced, care concerning that object tends not to exist, and it would seem that from a lack of value and care, stems a lack of satisfaction which prompts us to strive for the next “thing” and miss out on the value of whom and what surrounds us.

I’m the sort that appears to be almost unsettlingly fascinated with meaning and trying to understand what creates it… what often comes alongside this is a desire for simplicity. The idea of going somewhere and taking very little with me; to live minimally, growing food, keeping poultry and/or livestock maybe, using what’s available to me to create income and interest, is one of the longest standing dreams I’ve had – having all that I need in the vicinity; people, a means of sustaining myself and my family, creatively finding ways to live by non-commercial means. Going on from that is the idea of living in a community which doesn’t “need” the incessant, commercially driven, promotion of desire for things; a community that provides for each other by using what’s available to them; a community that values people and relationship over “things” that aren’t built to last and that don’t hold any significance or value because they’re so easily and readily obtainable and replaceable. It says somewhere in the Bible that God gives us the ability to produce wealth… personally, my definition of wealth doesn’t just fall to financial gain, it looks also to the condition of the heart… the poorest person by financial means can often be the richest, and the richest by financial means can also be the poorest… yes, I do believe that we do have a creative capability to sustain ourselves by making or finding a product, sourcing it to others and bringing about a trade for services and/or money in return for our own service and/or product. However, I also believe that there are simple ways to find enjoyment and fulfilment in our lives… saying that, I do enjoy films, music, watching people play computer games, etc – I don’t think they should be banned or anything ridiculous like that, but I feel that maybe less emphasis could be placed on them. Personally, I find I enjoy these things most when I can enjoy them with others… I can appreciate them when I’m not around people, but it’s generally the connection to friends and family that I’ve previously shared these things with - the memories that surround them, that are much more valuable to me than the images or sounds on their own. The memories of childhood that tend to come up most, are the simpler things; playing Monopoly with my Mum, Dad and little sister, rolling down a hill with my best friend and little sister when we were on our way to see “Joseph and his Technicolour Dreamcoat”, riding my bike in the close outside the house with my friends, trying to make perfume out of daisy petals with my little sister. Memories that have involved those closest to me haven’t cost the earth and are much more precious and abundant than big presents and extravagances, which are appreciated but don’t have quite the same type of significance as those memories which were created by the less “showy” things.

I remember knowing someone when I was really young, whose parents bought them everything, she was spoilt, and didn’t hold the same appreciation for the simple things… she was always trying to show off what Daddy had just bought her. A sadness came over me when I remembered her, because looking back, from my perception it would seem that Daddy only showed his love for her in gifts, was away a lot, and didn’t show any sort of affection which I have been so blessed by. My parents, even if they haven’t had a lot, have always been generous with their love and affection, and that means more to me than any of the things I wished I could have had looking through the Argos catalogue at Christmas as a youngster :-P Back to the point, I think that there is a wealth that comes from doing things with others – family and good friends, those that mean something to us - going for walks, playing games which mean you interact with your family rather than a TV screen, making things with each other, and so on.

It’s been quite obvious to me of late that I function better if I have people around me, and I think that is very evident in what I place value in… reading over that last paragraph, as much as I may appear to be on my soapbox, the main point is that we don’t seem to invest in each other relationally so much as maybe previous generations would have. I think my point so far has generally been that my dream is to find simplicity, walking away from laziness in order to achieve this simplicity. It’s something that needs to be worked for, but in that work we may find significance, satisfaction and value. Going back to my dream, it seems to tie in to what Proverbs 31 says about a woman and her family. I can only assume that this woman was a person of some significance to King Lemuel and his mother, but her impact is quite astounding… she works hard, provides clothing and food for her family, is industrious and makes a wage for herself by selling what she makes to others, supporting her husband as he supports her, allowing him to fulfil his destiny whilst walking though hers – a partnership which has a tremendous amount of trust, and one which doesn’t promote one over the other; there’s an equality that can be found in that couple’s individual roles within their marriage. I’ve loved this passage since I was introduced to it, and in some ways it makes a lot of sense, due to the picture that is painted of this woman and the ideals that I’ve stated so far in this blurb, which seems to be coming close to actually being an essay… (welcome to the world inside my brain… there’s always something epic going on :-P)

When I was at University, the concepts that got me most excited were those based on Minimalism and meaning… which I doubt I’ll ever get away from, they appear to be inherent and a large part of who I am :-) The idea that the simplest things could have much more meaning than a cacophony of sounds, images and things, was the most engaging concept I came across. That ideal started making its way into how I worked, and the concepts I started working on, culminating in my final project (The Destruction of Meaning in Five Exercises) – an idea that based itself on  specific, different ideas, which stripped a set phrase of all its original meaning and changed it into something completely incomparable to its first intended form. The thought that sparked it all off, was that of getting rid of all the unnecessary drivel, and getting to the root – the point from which all things stem and grow, the part which feeds the rest of the whole, the bit that often gets forgotten about.

We’re surrounded by so much in our lives, stuff that gets in the way… what I would love, and the dream that’s been hidden away since childhood for me, would be to get to the root… to get rid of all that waters down and weakens the strongest and most beautiful thing for me – value of people, and our environment. The one rule we had at college was to “respect others and your environment” – it’s incredibly simple, but so powerful. If we truly valued and respected others and our environment as we have the capability to, I reckon this world would be a very different place. If we treated people justly and with mercy, like I mentioned the other day… putting others before ourselves… appreciating the simple things in life… learning to live in peace and harmony… I think that would be my definition of heaven.

Maybe I’m just a bit of a hippy – idealising peace, love, and looking after the environment… and maybe I’m just a bit of a bohemian – idealising freedom, beauty, truth, and love… and maybe I am a Minimalist – idealising the simple things, not wanting a whole load of fuss and frill… I’m not sure that I’d want a label, especially as those labels specifically have some slightly off connotations that come with them, but those ideals are the ones that resonate strongly with me.

Food for thought probably.

Rights and Righteousness…

I would like to take this opportunity to say Happy Easter! Albeit a day late, but the truth and sincerity remain the same :-)

The new job’s going really well for me apparently :-) I almost love it a little too much :-) As always i’m thinking of ways I could make the office more “Steph friendly” and there are a couple of additions that have made it more homely, like flowers and pictures :-)

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about justice, righteousness, peace, and all that seems to involve :-) almost disturbingly so… It amazes me how much the same few topics come up in a short space of time… and how intense they are too. I’ll try and unpack what my brain’s been cycling through recently, I hope it makes some sense! :-)

Firstly, Micah 6:8 has appeared in my head quite a lot recently, courtesy of a song by Steven Curtis Chapman. “The walk” quotes it in the tag and it had been going round and round my head for about a week.

⁸ He has shown all you people what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.

Act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God. Three very simple statements (four if you split “walk humbly with your God), which have huge potential.

To act justly; the Oxford English Dictionary defines “just” as being based on or behaving according to what is morally right and fair. Concerned with the principles of right and wrong behaviour; treating people equally without favouritism or discrimination. So often we judge according to our opinions on what is right and fair, generally based on our own experience (the idea that experience shapes our perception always seems to come up :-P it’s a concept I’m fascinated by… as most of those who talk to me about any sort of theory will be well aware of :-P I hope to get into that sometime soon, but I feel this little collection of thoughts could quite easily become an essay and I think there should be some sort of limit.) What we go through ultimately shapes how we interact with our world and those around us: if we are treated justly or unjustly, we use that experience to choose how we treat others.

To love mercy; defined as compassion or forgiveness shown towards someone whom it is within one’s power to punish or harm. In many ways this goes against the grain of fleshly nature - it’s so much easier to do as has been done to us, and take vengeance when someone has wronged us. To take a step back, look at the situation, assess what’s really lead all parties to the point of wrongdoing, and to be empathetic and compassionate may take courage and strength beyond what we feel capable of.

To walk humbly; humility is the quality of having a modest view of one’s importance - unassuming in the estimation of one’s abilities or achievements. Not thinking so highly of yourself, that you put others in a place of discomfort, impropriety, or lesser standing in the estimation of their peers.

With your God; take this as you will, but for me personally, walking with God is a lifestyle, and one that isn’t necessarily easy. I learn and renew my thinking on a daily basis - the things that are important, the larger subjects staying the same, but my understanding of them, and the smaller aspects change as my knowledge and understanding of God expands. I understand and grow in my faith by 1) what I read in the Bible, 2) by who I understand God to be by my perception of him and listening to what he says to me, and 3) by the understanding of those around me - how they interpret those same three things. There’s a challenge there - my ideas of who God is and who I should be are not what they were ten years ago, and will develop over my lifetime.

Together all three are the makings of righteousness in my mind, and living righteously sows the seeds of peace; there can be no malice, or greed, or varying other forms of selfishness… if all are working for a common purpose, love each other, and treat all as equals, the equation surely would culminate in peace. Maybe for some that’s just a pipe dream, a wish, but the idea in itself is a beautiful thing - I for one should certainly like to see it :-)

I will say that these musings are opinions, and not necessarily the best articulated… with so many words in one’s head, you can’t help but get a little muddled sometimes - interpret them as you will, that side is not up to me. There are a few statements that I can’t explain in brief, and maybe I’ll be able to expand on them at a later date, but understand one thing if you will… I am human, and I don’t have the authority to say that everything I write is as it is, it is merely an interpretation in itself. We are all on a journey - an exploration of this life, and at any stage of life we are still learning… and that is something quite beautiful too.

The other thing that’s been going around my head of late is a lot surrounding the lonely and the broken hearted. In Isaiah 1:17-18 it says this,

¹⁷ Learn to do good.
Seek justice.
Help the oppressed.
Defend the cause of orphans.
Fight for the rights of widows.

¹⁸ “Come now, let’s settle this,”
says the Lord.
“Though your sins are like scarlet,
I will make them as white as snow.
Though they are red like crimson,
I will make them as white as wool.

The bit that always seems to stand out to me, and that keeps coming back to me at the moment is the part about defending the cause of orphans and fighting for the rights of widows… those people who may have been left with nothing, those who may feel alone, hurt and broken. My heart always breaks for those who get a rough deal, be it in fiction or non-fiction - I find it difficult to separate myself from their stories… but it’s something that’s come up a lot, and seems to coincide with the Micah 6:8 verse. In history, widows and orphans rarely had rights, and were not often treated well or with dignity; the idea of someone acting justly, loving mercy, and walking humbly on their behalf would have been a dream. Which to me seems all the more reason to show them love.

These days, the rights and causes of widows and orphans are better fought for; though there are still people who are not looked after, and whose rights are not properly upheld. Does your mind conjure up an image of someone or a group of people whom you would wish to be treated properly, or fought for? The question that is in my mind, is what could I do to help those whom I feel are not properly defended or cared for? One thing that then stems from that, is how far would my willingness to help go? Would I give all I could, or would I give just enough to ease my conscience?

These are tough questions, ones that I wrestle with and will hopefully as a result do something with, rather than just stand and watch… the idea that in my lifetime I have the potential to just sit and do nothing is a sad and scary thing, though on a more positive note, I do also have the potential to do something about it… something that I wholeheartedly intend to work on.

To round off then, I’m going to hark back to that idea of peace. Maybe there’s something to work on… promoting peace and righteousness in our environment - you never know, it could be beautiful :-)

Breakfast

So it appears that the first week of my new job as gone quite quickly and painlessly :-) I do find that for me, administration is fairly simple (I guess that’s what happens when you’re brought up by an administrator :-P). I was a bit concerned about my lack of “Anglican Knowledge” but there is a handy little book especially for church administrators which will probably become bedtime reading - very handy… :-) I like it when things are written down, it’s (hopefully) a little more obvious, and knowing how my brain works and how confused I subsequently end up being, obvious is always going to be a good thing! :-) so that sets my mind at ease. I do have another two days shadowing Chris (my predecessor) to glean as much as I can, but that isn’t exactly long, especially as the days have been flying past… must be having too much fun :-P It’s fabulous :-)

I’ve been listening to Tim Hughes a lot recently :-) I got my copy of “When Silence Falls” back from my Mum recently which did mean that I wore that particular album out a little, so I’m listening to “Holding Nothing Back” this week :-) …there’s something calming (if that’s even the right word) about listening to worship music; personally I do find that it allows me to reflect on the things that I should reflect on, as opposed to those things that take up too much of my thinking time already. I also find that it sets me off in the right direction as I listen to music most as I’m getting ready in the morning or before I head out somewhere :-) There’s probably something about priorities in there - remembering what’s important and leaving the things that aren’t quite so big a deal. For example, first thing in the morning, I would say that breakfast is a pretty good idea, particularly if you’ve got a long day… but more often than not, I know in my own life that I leave breakfast but prioritise… I don’t know… checking my email or something ridiculous like that, something that won’t ultimately set me up for or help me during the day. If something was important and I didn’t reply to an email, there are other ways of getting hold of me, and to be honest, sometimes email just annoys me, I much prefer snail mail :-P it actually requires pen to paper, action - doing something that means something as opposed to typing some quick, often impersonal message; writing something worthwhile. This week, if I’ve learnt anything so far, I’ve realised the benefits that come from acting out the theory of priorities - a fair chunk of the time I get most of it right, but being human sometimes things slip and the halo needs a bit of polish :-) Though saying that, sometimes it seems that something needs to happen to help us to remember that we aren’t perfect - we still need to learn and grow, and to help us remember the simple things, like breakfast :-)

and so it begins… :-)

Hello there,

so this, you could say, is my first official post… :-) all preceeding this one were for the purposes of Cat (one of my housemates) showing me the basics of this whole blogging lark… it was a bit of a giggle so I kept them there for posterity or something along those lines :-)

I guess the purpose of all this is two-fold. Firstly, so I can share my immediate world with those who aren’t quite in the viscinity - friends, family, etc., whom I’ve promised to keep in touch with, and at least this way I’m not typing or writing or saying it all too much… as much as I love communicating, it does feel sometimes like I love the sound of my own voice :-P. Secondly, it gives me a forum to write out the theories and concepts that keep my brain ticking over, and not go completely insane in the process :-D always good to try and stay at least mildly sane :-)

So there we have it; an introduction of sorts :-) enjoy, and welcome to my cognitive world :-)